I don’t believe in writing New Year’s resolutions. Usually. Resolutions are things you should be able to keep. But most people’s resolutions are so unrealistic, they abandon them all by January tenth. I decided to take my own advice and be realistic this year. So here’s my list of guaranteed-to-be-successful resolutions for 2013. Feel free to borrow anything you like.
1. I resolve not to waste my time finishing a movie that I knew was a clunker in the first ten minutes just because it might get better. Life is too short.
2. I resolve not to hate my neighbors for shooting off fireworks at seven o’clock at night on New Year’s Eve. I’m only able to keep this one because I’m a grandmother, not a mother of sleeping babies. If I had sleeping babies, I’m pretty sure I’d be hunting down whoever it was that set off a cannon in the street just now.
3. I resolve to do my part to aid in the economic recovery of America by continuing to support my local Starbucks. It’s the least I can do.
4. I resolve to stop trying to figure out what is wrong with people who can’t tell time and continue shooting off fireworks at eight fifteen on New Year’s Eve. On the plus side, if they use up all their ammunition before midnight, maybe we can all get some sleep.
5. I resolve to give up multi-tasking. Even though I am a woman and I excel at it, my husband doesn’t believe anyone multi-tasks well, based on a recent news expose to the contrary. I also resolve to give up letting him watch the news.
6. I resolve to personally work to end the careers of politicians who recently voted to make fireworks legal in this town.
7. I resolve to write a new blog every day this month in honor of the only January, 2013, which will ever exist. As well as in honor of that blog challenge I agreed to join.
8. I resolve to give up cigar smoking, riverboat gambling, and algebra. Wow. That was easy.
9. I resolve to stop putting all my eggs in one basket, not to count any unhatched chickens, and to find out if wooden nickels are worth taking.
10. I resolve to give up horror flicks in favor of Dick Van Dyke reruns. Okay, I did that when I was ten. But it worked out so well, I’m sticking with it.
11. I resolve to be out of town this Fourth of July. There’s no need to celebrate it twice in the same year with the same people.
12. Finally, I resolve to practice forgiveness. Just as soon as I set off fireworks tomorrow morning at eight and return the kindness to all my hung-over neighbors.
Happy New Year. May all your resolutions be as realistic as mine.