Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sting Like A Bee

It’s a fact—women get thinner as they age. Our lips get thinner. Sometimes our hair does. I know I’m more thin-skinned than I used to be. I think we’re losing weight in the wrong places. Most of the time, I don’t give these things another thought. Nobody ever asks me what size my lips are. Or if I need to fluff up my self esteem. They just stick weight loss brochures on my windshield and hope I get the hint.

But now, thanks to a few desperate housewives, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. Fat lips on females are all the rage. If somebody gave me a fat lip, I’d press charges. But these gals are paying for it! Why do women ignore their character and focus on the size of their kissers instead? Who told us that pout trout is attractive? The fishing industry? Is this some new way of seducing guys away from the lake and back to the ladies? Personally, I’d be pretty offended if somebody told me I kiss like a fish. Although I remember feeling that way about my technique the first time I tried to kiss a boy. I never saw him again. See? That’s no way to describe lips.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Bee-stung lips. The kind that look full, red and pouting. Like Lucille Ball’s, but worse. They’re not natural. These are cosmetic enhancements. Well, I got stung by a bee once. I didn’t find it very enhancing and neither did the bee. What’s so attractive about looking like you let an insect commit suicide on your face?

But for reasons I can’t fathom, there are women who love to look like they’ve had an allergic reaction to Penicillin. So they’re paying physicians—physicians! who swore on their Hippocratic oaths to administer aid to people—to change the shape of the upper lip from a cupid’s bow to an inflated inner tube.

Is there no end to our vanity? And consider the cost! The most economical way to get bee-stung flappers is by injection, each costing between $400 and $700. Real bee stings are cheaper. I’m just saying. Or, you could—invest—in lip fillers. These are surgical and can run you from five grand to an amount unknown on the internet when you throw in the additional medical staff. At least there’s an upside—the results are more long lasting. The disadvantages are the side effects, which can include swelling. I don’t think that really qualifies as a side effect. It is the effect.

I blame all of this on old school Hollywood stars, like Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. Even Lucille Ball. She started out in the 30’s and 40’s as a cover girl for Max Factor, but found her niche in television comedy, “uglifying herself with clownish makeup to enhance her physical humor”. (

As much as I love Lucy, her exaggerated lip line was drawn on purpose in the tradition of vaudeville. It was meant to accentuate her smiles and grimaces. At the end of a long day, Lucy wiped off that smile. I’m afraid some gals today don’t know how to take a joke.

I guess that, once again, it all comes down to beauty being in the eye of the beholder. As for me, I think I’ll skip the pout trout and focus on things that really matter. I’ve spent a lot of my life hiding who I am instead of being myself. Paying somebody to do that to me now seems counterproductive.

But I might still call that number from the flyer on my windshield. A little unenhancement, you might say.

I’m thin-skinned, but I can take a hint.


  1. Some people have done so much to their lips that they look painful!

  2. It makes me sad, to tell you the truth. Thanks for the prompt for this blog, Liz. Here's the warning I read on one web site for people considering this procedure: "As with any medical procedure complications can occur. There is always a possibility of bleeding, infection, reaction to the anesthesia, slow healing or an unexpected result. Other possible complications include asymmetrical lips, cold sores, numbing, scarring, swelling, and permanent stiffness in the lip." Two words: Holy.Moly.