Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Bolton' From The News

I must be a bad person. 
I can tear up at commercials featuring Budweiser horses, but let them interrupt a chatty talk show with Breaking News, and I want to throw the remote at the television. Which would be like poking myself in the eye just because I don’t like the shoes you’re wearing.
Fair warning. This is a rant.  There might be some sarcasm involved. But it will be G rated. I promise.
I had the day off. Not that I work for a living, but my schedule was clear in between collecting trash, making the bed, doing laundry and making dinner. So I cuddled up under my favorite quilt with a cup of my favorite decaf and tuned in to Live With Kelly.  And Michael Bolton’s sexy singing voice. Briefly. They were still doing the teaser when the big network executives shut him down in exchange for this announcement:
Breaking news – there’s been a crime somewhere in this city of four million people. We don’t have any details, but since our ratings are more important than the show you’re now missing,  we’re disconnecting that program you’ll never be able to see again to bring you this lack of information.  
Let me get this straight. They swapped out Michael Bolton for a newsroom guy who looked like he’d been drafted in the middle of eating a sandwich.  Additionally, his expression seemed to say he knew how disappointed I was to see him and was a little bit afraid of me.
He returned to the lunchroom after five minutes only to reappear five minutes after that with lettuce in his teeth, and two hours later the flood of unknown information continued to trickle in. I can’t imagine who stayed glued to the set for that long watching aerial coverage of the freeway and reporters with bad earbuds who didn’t know it was their turn to talk. But I decided to wait for the evening news and actual details.
On the positive side, I caught up on my love affair with Say Yes To The Dress and ordered a Michael Bolton CD from Amazon. When I checked in  hours later with network news, nothing much had changed from the scoop they’d been running when I jumped ship:
·         There was a crime.
·         The criminal has not been found.
·         That’s all we know.
·         By the way, we will never return you to your regular programming.  Get off the couch and vacuum or something. You shouldn’t be wasting time on daytime television anyway.
Wow.  Big Brother really is watching.

Photo courtesy of TidewaterMuse's phostream at

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