Sunday, February 3, 2013

Super Bowl Forty-Seven

I had a nice time watching the Super Bowl today, in between short excerpts of Iron Man Two, which was already in progress. But a few things were disappointing. I missed the M&M commercial because of Iron Man Two. I missed almost all of someone famous singing God Bless America to thousands of teary-eyed football fans for the same reason. But, I also missed a lot of Iron Man Two.
Finally, I grabbed the remote from Itchy Fingers McLeod and never missed another commercial. I even got to see Alicia Keyes sing her entire version of the Star Spangled Banner. I never knew our National Anthem was such a sexy song. I kind of think that might have been some kind of blasphemy, but am grateful she knew all the words.
As I mentioned recently, I’m a football fan in training. So watching the Super Bowl today was kind of like taking my final exam, and I’m happy to report that I’m making some progress.  I recognized that playing in an important game like this means the two teams must dislike each other.  That became evident when a fist fight broke out during the second fourth of the game, right there on the field. Millionaires sure do have bad tempers. The referee diagnosed them as personal fouls and decided to put those guys in time out. I think. I lost focus for a while there, and began to wonder what Iron Man was doing and if he knew how to be a good sport.
One thing I enjoy about watching football is the artistic way referees throw yellow flags around. What a nice splash of color there on the green grass. I also like their black and white costumes. It seemed like such a smart fashion choice—they look nice no matter what colors all the other players are wearing.  
At one point I was amazed to see that score was already 114 to 56!  But Rob said that was just ‘yardage’.  I never heard of that except in a fabric store, and I still don’t know what it has to do with football.  Finally two quarters had passed by and it was time for the halftime show. Rob said it was going to star J. Lo. She turned out to be Beyonce, but dressed a lot like J. Lo.  I can see why he got confused. By the end of her concert, I realized why Felicia Keyes sang the Anthem the way she did.  It was just one big night of sexy entertainment. 
We were pretty impressed by Beyonce’s agility, and talk about a workout!  I know I speak for my husband when I say we were both relieved there were no wardrobe malfunctions. It takes a lot of talent to wear so little and still stay covered. I guess she’s never heard of ‘yardage’ either.
The most exciting thing happened right after The Beyonce Show—all the lights went off in the stadium and the players were just sitting around on the grass with nothing to do and no one to beat up.  Some people thought maybe it was a terrorist attack, but I was pretty sure Beyonce blew a fuse. Finally, the authorities agreed with me, and blamed it on a power surge.
The lights came back on and suddenly San Francisco’s side began scoring a lot. They did a bunch of things right and in seventeen minutes made four points! Or maybe that was seventeen points in four minutes. I don’t know—doesn’t matter.
“Since the power outage, things have completely changed here,”  said one astonished broadcaster.   “There’s no energy coming from the Ravens – they are flat and unfocused.”  Rob said the 49’ers were playing like comeback kids. And then one of the Ravens said . . . oooh!  Lip reading was a really bad idea right then.  At that point, I really thought San Francisco was going to win the game, and a country western song started running through my mind:
“That’s the night the lights went out in N’awlins.
That’s the night that they blamed it on the band.
Don’t trust the boys in this game, you know they’re stallin’,
At the end of the night they’re goin’ to Disneyland.”
I couldn’t make sense of what happened after that, so Rob began to explain how the two teams were going to take the last eight seconds of the game and turn them into a sideshow stunt. I knew I’d never remember the details, so I started taking notes.
 “This guy might run around and burn a few seconds in the in-zone, and then the other team gets a safety. See? He took the safety with four seconds to go. So now, it gave the 49’ers who were down by five points, it gave them two points for the safety, but now the other team gets a free punt with no chance of anyone blocking in the in-zone, although somebody could run the ball back. This is San Fran’s last shot.”
So the Ravens got the safety and won the game which made Rob a happy camper because they were the underdogs and have never won a Super Bowl ring before and then they get a big trophy while my husband drank a glass of wine and wrote a Toastmaster speech before he went to bed.
And I learned a lot. I, more than anyone else watching the commercials tonight, had no idea that the whole point of football is to get the most points so you can go to Disney instead of the guys on the enemy team.
Well played, Ravens, well played.


  1. You should have come to my house. I watched science fiction. You would have been just as lost, but at least there was no yardage or chance of a wardrobe malfunction.

    1. I'll have to try that sometime. You know, expand my horizons! Stretch my mind! Confuse my intellect! I'll bring my own Pepsi.