Saturday, August 3, 2013


I don't know how it happened. I just . . . lost control.
Maybe I should have seen it coming, but it was like that time I got t-boned while I was driving—one minute I’m minding my own business looking for a Wendy’s and the next thing you know I’m shopping for a new car. Who knew somebody else’s agenda could wreak such havoc on mine?
So I took matters into my own hands this morning—I cleaned out the pantry. 
I have control over the pantry.
I threw out things from the pantry. That felt good. Taking out my aggressions on innocent potato chip bags feels good.
“See that?” I announced to the stale crackers.  “Don’t cross me or you’ll be next!”
Then I turned down the air conditioner one degree. I could have turned it down two degrees, but I chose only one degree because I am in control of the air conditioner. It doesn’t manipulate me with creative ways to cool me off unless the power company gets involved with stupid summer savings plans. And, so far, Obama hasn’t been able to force me to buy electricity his way so that ain’t gonna happen.
Rob said I could.
And when hot flashes hit and the air conditioner is too slow, I have my own back-up plan—the ceiling fan. With the speed of a deadly gunfighter, I can whip out that remote lying nonchalantly next to me, aim it at the ceiling fan faster than you can say, “Take that, menopause!”, and turn my circle of influence into a category three hurricane in under three seconds.
Rob said I could.
So I don’t care that someone else tried to sabotage my genius. I can roll with the punches. Ride out the storm. Roll over and play dead.  The pantry is mine. The air conditioner is mine. The fan remote is mine. Rob is mine.
I still have some control.
Rob said I could.

Photo of warp speed ceiling fan courtesy of . . . me. I took this picture. With my camera phone. 'Cause I was in control. Ta-dah.


  1. Ah, control. That elusive concept we all desire. As a kid, I couldn't wait to be a grown up so I could be in control! I thought adults got to choose everything for themselves. Bed time. What's for dinner. The days activities. They were in control. But I was wrong! It's all a very disappointing illusion! For Pete's sake someone send me to my room, I don't wanna be a grown up any more.

    1. Yeah. The down side of being in control is you're in control. While the up side of somebody else being in control is . . . I don't know of an up side. And now I have a brain cramp. Why don't you go take a nap and I'll go take a nap and we'll talk about this later?