Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Dictionary Fail

It’s a rainy day and my funny bone is acting up again.
I had a mile long list of errands to run, and chores screaming my name, but hey—it’s not my fault the sky clouded up and I landed in my favorite chair instead of my favorite Lube Shop. Wait. I don’t have a favorite Lube Shop.  And that’s why I’m sitting in my favorite chair.
I’ve been so critical of misspellings and mispronunciations lately, I’ve decided it’s easier to join them than beat them. Even though it’s very very tempting to beat them. Especially if some of them are from New Jersey.
Now, wait. Don’t send your cousin Vinny over to teach me a lesson. I got nothin’ against New Jersey. Except maybe a little mispronunciation.  And grammatical mis-cues.
Remember “The Situation” from TV’s Jersey Shore? Some of his best lines included, “You’re the worst argument person ever.”  And, “I’m like, a pretty deep dude.”
Or from his buddy, Ronnie, “I’ve drunken a lot more than I’ve drunken tonight.” 
I’d have given you a few more quotes, but these were the only ones that weren’t profane or full of innuendos. And anyway, who on earth nicknames himself, “The Situation”?  You don’t put a “The” in front of a noun and call it your name. That’s just The Stupid.
Sheesh. I wasn’t even watching Jersey Shore today.
I was watching I Found The Gown—from my favorite chair—when a confident bride from New Jersey burst onto my sense of humor.  She and her whole entourage lit up the screen with great dialects and accents and not a little bit of overconfidence.
“This is sooo meeee!” the bride radiated. “Ooh, I cain’t even haindle it!”  Then she discreetly spoke into the camera, “I consider myself to be a bit of a fastoneesha on the budget.”  That one sent my Spell Check into heart failure while Grammar Check just rolled over and died.
“The most . . . impinionate person today would be Christina,” she said of a bridesmaid. “She’s just always opinionated.”  I had to guess how to even spell impinionate. I have so much more respect now for court reporters.
It’s not all wedding gowns and gym, tan, laundry on cable today, though. I watch classy shows, too, ya know. Stuff like Storage Wars, where a respectable bid was dehydrated into the phrase, “Yuuup!”  
I’m tellin’ ya, the English language is evaporating Right.Before.Our.Ears.
Hostile rivalry between Dave Hester and Darryl Sheets is what keeps this show on the air. Well, that and Darryl’s grasp of his own importance.  The other night I heard him say, “That old lady looks like she’s gonna keel over!  I don’t know PCR!”
Yeah, there’s a lot you don’t know, Darryl.
I guess I could blame the downfall of America’s spelling and grammar empire on the media, but I’m beginning to think the evil genius behind it all is sitting on the table right next to me—my Smart Phone. With that text guessing thing it has, I’ve sent more ridiculous comments out than Snookie has ever even dreamed of saying.  (“That's why I don't eat freaking lobster or anything like that, because they’re alive when you kill it. That's disgusting.”).
It’s always trying to read my mind and get me into trouble. And since I hardly ever wear my glasses when I’m writing a text, that makes me a pretty easy target.  My daughter responded to a text once by telling me to put on my spectacles and read what I sent her.  I couldn’t.  It was written in Chinese.
Just now I tried to tell my husband to have a great day. Instead, I encouraged him to “have a good frau, baby.”  If he’s smart, he’ll tell me to put on my spectacles and confirm that message.
Oh, it doesn’t matter anymore. Our communication skills today are like a runaway train wreck. It’s all downhill from up there, if you ask me. And if you ask The Situation, he’ll just tell you,
They have defied the law of intelligence.”
Yeah.  What he said.

Photo courtesy of ellajphillips' photostream at http://www.flickr.com/photos/25752111@N08/3794248248


  1. You haven't lived until you've read the shift reports at a non-profit residential treatment center. The other day, I almost fell out of my chair. Here is the offending sentence: "She got angry and threatened to go A-Wall." I'd like to tell you that was the most ridiculous thing in the report, but honestly, it was only the most original.

    1. Ohmigosh, that cracked me up! I think reading those would be so much fun I'd never get any work done if I were you! I've heard police reports and insurance statements are full of classics, too. Things like, "I was just standing there and he ran into my fist." It's a runaway train wreck, I'm tellin' ya! ;)

  2. And once again you have me laughing out loud, which is a nice way to start my day. I am always horrified to discover that I've mistakenly sent a grammatical or spelling error in a text or (worse!) to Facebook. I love my phone but it does seem to like making me look like a fool. Also, if you've never read the list of hilarious moments from actual court transcripts, you're missing out: http://www.cafemom.com/answers/1334012/These_are_actual_transcripts_from_a_court_of_law_as_recorded_by_the_court_reporters

    1. Yeah, my smart phone is a smart aleck. Today my sister texted me some good news, and when I wrote her back, instead of reading "Woo Hoo!" it read "WWII Hippo!" I sent it anyway. ;) I'm not allowed to text anymore without my glasses on. I can't wait to read these court transcripts! Thanks for the link and your always adored responses! :)