Sunday, September 24, 2017

Top Secret

I found the secret. 

It’s unbelievably simple. So primitive, my grandmother should have shared it with me. But she was a lousy cook and probably didn’t know about it, either. For sure she didn’t have access to Pinterest, The-Source-Of-All-Secrets-Worth-Knowing.

Which is where I found it, of course.

I want you to know I’ve spent at least the last fifty years of my life looking for this secret. I’ve spent countless hours experimenting with other guaranteed techniques which all had one thing in common—a failure rate of 100%. It was practically a waste of time.

But I’m no quitter.

Maybe nobody knew the secret. Or they did know it but kept it to themselves. Unbelievable. It’s like a government plot or something. “Don’t tell middle America the secret or they’ll stop depending on us,” they probably whispered to one another. That’s the most pathetic thing I think I’ve ever heard. Or read.

Or written.

Why on earth would the government be involved in a conspiracy theory about something so trivial? Don’t they have enough trouble on their hands, between keeping one eye on North Korea and the other one on Republicans furious over healthcare? Yes. But maybe this isn’t trivial. Maybe this is the answer to world hunger. The key to world peace. The correct question in Final Jeopardy.

You’re dying to know, aren’t you? What? You quit reading two minutes ago?

Fine. I’ll skip the rest of the buildup and just give it to you straight. Bummer. I had a sequel planned and everything.

I learned how to boil eggs.

Hey! Where are you going? This is going to be amazing!

Listen, I have an entire page on Pinterest dedicated to all the tricks people use to peel hardboiled eggs so that what you’re left with actually looks like a smooth, oval egg and not a handful of white, rubbery confetti. And none of those ideas work. I tried them all.

Vinegar in the boiling water? Smelly and pointless.

Salt in the water? Morton is rolling over in his grave.

Baking soda in the water? Please. That’s for amateurs.

I’m almost giddy now with the suspense I’ve created here. You’re never gonna guess in a million years the way to boil eggs so their crunchy jackets slip off like butter. Go ahead. Try. I’ll wait.

What? You went to my Pinterest page—without me? You already found out how to do it? I can’t believe it. That’s just so . . . smart.

So what do you think? Crazy, right? I’m telling you the truth—it's the only way to cook them. I’ve done it half a dozen times now, it’s worked like a charm, with only two self-conscious eggs who wouldn’t come out of their shells, and I am happy to tell you we’re eating deviled eggs at our house again. Just for the heck of it.

Because hard boiled eggs are so simple now, they should start calling them over easy.

Who knew that the secret for easy-to-peel eggs is to steam them. Right. I forgot. The government did. Well, the secret’s hatched now, big brother. Put those chickens in your basket and count them. Or something like that.

I’m voting Pinterest for President.

Easy To Peel Hard Boiled Eggs:  Put one to two inches of hot water in a soup pot. Place a vegetable steamer in the pot. Place one to two dozen eggs in the steamer basket. Eggs should not be submerged in water. Bring water to a rolling boil, cover the pot with the lid, and lower the heat to medium high. Steam the eggs for 12-15 minutes for hard yolks or 6-8 minutes for soft yolks. After steaming, immediately place the eggs in an ice bath to halt cooking. When the eggs are cool, either peel them or store them in the fridge to peel later. Either way, the eggs shells will slip right off after cracking. Use a little running water if you need to.

And if you want to know why this works, here’s the link to the article where I learned about it:

I feel like a regular Ambassador for Eggs after all this. And that's no yolk.

Thanks, Marcin, for your heroic photograph. Your secret footage is safe with me. Us. The original photo above, graciously on loan, can be viewed at


  1. Who would've thought?! Thank you for sharing your secret! My secret that I discovered is to buy them from Costco already peeled! I'm really lazy! But just for fun I think I will try your new secret method! I've had the same journey as you described! I'll keep you posted!

  2. P.S. All this time I thought the only way was to wait until the eggs are old!