Losing It

I think even Groupon is getting stir crazy.

“Need Ideas For Your Night In?” the notification read. Curious about their hook as it popped up on my iPhone, I thought, sure. I’ll bite.  What have I got to lose? I can put my TV binge watching on hold while I stare at the ads on my cellphone for a few minutes.

It was amazing. Scrolling through their novel ideas of how to enjoy my unplanned-for staycation, I had to admit—I have no idea how Groupon stays in business.

Here’s a great way to spend the stimulus check President Trump is sending me, especially since all the stores around here are closed and there’s nowhere else to shop but online. I could buy a woman’s t-shirt decorated with a social distancing message on the front—that no one will see because we’re . . . right. See the fail there? Maybe the print is like, really really big, though, so it can be seen from across a parking lot.

Do a 14-day Detox. Boy, that sounds fun. Two weeks on the toilet, alone, flushing all my toxic anxieties away. Actually, I might think about that one. It’s a bargain, too, at $18.99. So, you can flush your money and other stuff all at once.

As if those don’t sound appealing enough, there’s a CBD Box Bundle Mystery Deal for half price. $9.99 for magical hemp in amounts that might be as little as 500mg or much as 5000 mg. That’s where the fun is. Will I get over my gloom about self-isolating or just feel so happy that I won’t care or even notice anything going on around me except for those cute little purple hippos that keep running through the house?

I could pick up a ceramic hair straightener for one-fourth its original value. Make myself beautiful for . . . no one. Rob finds me the most attractive when I refrain from spending money, so this idea is also flushable.

How about 80% off a Golf Group Package for One? Is it really a game, though, if you play by yourself? I mean, I’m not a golfer but I always thought the term ‘foursome’ implied the addition of three other people.

Here’s the one that really appealed to me. For only fifteen dollars I can buy one acre of land on Mars. You’ve got to admit, that one’s a screaming deal. It takes social distancing a little too far, but as long as Nancy Pelosi’s not there, I might consider relocating.

Right now, Uncle Biff’s California Killer Cookies are on sale for $7.99. I’m no marketing expert, but if Uncle Biff doesn’t come up with a better name soon, I predict the death of his cookie line. We’re all on edge right now and the last thing on earth—or Mars—that I want to do is eat something that promises to kill me. Just saying.

Here’s a fun idea. Build-A-Head. For the low, low price of only five smackeroos they’ll send you an oversized cardboard cutout on a stick of anybody’s mug that you want to hide behind. I had to think about that one for a minute and then I realized. Oh, it’s like a flu mask, but for your whole head and a large chunk of your body. It’s multi-purpose, too. With both your hands on the stick as you hold it up for protection, you can guard against touching any surfaces or breathing in bad air. There’s no way any stray germs could infiltrate. Heck, they won’t even recognize you.

How about a pair of WuHouPro Women’s Super Comfy Stretch Denim Bermuda Shorts? There are so many things wrong with this picture I don’t even know where to start. First of all, there’s an obvious marketing problem here again. I don’t want to wear clothing that either a) sounds suspiciously like it was made in or around Wuhan, China, or b) gives the impression of sarcasm. As in, woo hoo, I’m stuck in my house with an overstocked pantry and refrigerator—I might as well buy some super comfy stretchy Bermuda shorts so no one will know how overstocked I’d feel in my old jeans.

I could buy lots of bouquets of flowers and send them to friends and family, but how do I know the delivery guy isn’t allergic and didn’t sneeze into them first? Forget that one. There’s an offer for an ice cream gift card that’s good until the end of the crisis or until hell freezes over, as well as warm winter gloves just in case that happens. And the piéce de la resistance. A Universal Adjustable Neck Phone Mount—I assume so we can socially distance from our own phones. This one I like. Ever since I learned the government can listen in on my private conversations, I’ve stopped trusting those clever little devices. I mean, don’t you sometimes catch a fragrance of Chicken Kiev floating through the air and wonder, since you don’t have a Russian restaurant in the neighborhood, is someone name Natasha monitoring your phone call from a cozy little café table in Siberia?

Fine. You caught me. I already picked up the box of CBD Mystery Oils. There might be something wrong with them. Paranoia was listed as a possible side effect on one of the bottles.

Oh, there are so many things to spend my money differently on in these difficult times. And Groupon is right there to help in our times of crisis, with everything from ice cream coupons to super comfy stretchy shorts I can wear to hide the evidence afterwards. Whether I’m spending a night in or eight weeks with the dream of time off for good behavior, there is absolutely no reason for me to feel bored or anxious or suspicious.

I just wish I knew what those little purple hippos are up to.