Runaway

I don’t know if you've heard this story yet, but it's a doozy. It’s a tall tale from the state best known for them. Texas. Best of all, it’s almost entirely true. 

You can’t make this stuff up.

When I think of Texas ranches, I picture acres of noisy beef, handsome cowboys on fast horses, and mesquite trees. Especially mesquites, the secret sauce for Texas barbecue. Once the wranglers round up the last of the stragglers at the end of day, they can’t wait to make them the guests of honor at supper.

But about a hundred miles northwest of San Antonio lives a different breed of rancher. He’s not raising your typical kind of stock. You’ll never find meat from his grange listed on a menu side by side with brisket and cornbread. That’s because he’s not a cattle rancher. His livestock go by the name, "Texotics."

Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

His private ranch became famous last month when one of his youngsters got out of the yard and wandered off into a countryside marked by dense mesquite trees and rocky terrain. She disappeared faster than cookies at a potluck. Somewhere out there on acres of brush-filled land, a gangly, long-legged four-year-old was running loose, having the time of her life.

So concerned was the rancher that he offered a five-thousand-dollar reward for anyone with information leading to the recovery of Gracie. It should have been easy money. It should have been easy to spot the runaway, too. After all, in her stocking feet she stood at a towering ten feet tall and, when last seen, was wearing a brown and white spotted coat.

You’d think an adult giraffe would kind of stand out in the Hill Country of south Texas, wouldn’t you?

But the ranch was remote and the geography strangely reminiscent of the African savanna where Gracie's relatives hail from. She was in her element. There was plenty to eat, fresh water abounded, and it’s not called Hill Country for nothing. 

Turns out it’s pretty dang hard to spot a wild giraffe in south Texas.

They searched for Gracie for two long weeks. They brought in helicopters, covering 7,500 acres with no success. While blades whirred overhead, scouring the open range for any sight of her, Texans scratched their heads and were quoted as asking, "How the hell do you lose a giraffe?" 

A ten-foot-tall zoo animal with a periscope neck should have been easy to locate.

It's not like they didn't try. They pulled out all the stops in their efforts to find the missing giraffe. The local sheriff alerted every other rancher in the county to be on the lookout for large, dark soulful eyes staring back at them above any tall oak while munching on leaves. 

They searched the canyons on foot, incorporating the latest technology as they flew drones overhead. The sheriff even issued a public alert with detailed descriptions of the runaway. I presume those were posted inside bathroom stalls at gas stations.

And they reached out on social media which, as always, came through like a champ. But it quickly became confusing. Maybe the reward generated too much excitement. Long-legged as Gracie is, it doesn’t seem like she could cover as much ground as the internet soon reported.

The first photo that emerged showed the missing giraffe wearing yellow turnouts and a fire hat. She stood taller than the ladder truck at the volunteer fire department which called her “a welcome addition.” They were pleased to announce that the probationary firefighter had been recruited for her ability to assist in roof inspections and leap tall buildings in a single bound.

They weren’t the only first responders to claim she’d joined their crew. Five hours north of the ranch, near Fort Worth, another fire department told San Antonio residents, “You can stop looking for Gracie now. We’re keeping her on B-shift until further notice.” What I want to know is how she traveled three hundred miles on a state highway without getting pulled over by a Texas Ranger. You know she didn’t have a license.

Not to be outdone, a local plumbing company leaked a photo of Gracie peering out of the back of their work van. “We’re not saying Gracie is hanging out with our crew,” the byline read, “but we aren’t saying she isn’t either.” I can’t imagine what kind of dexterity she has that lends itself to fixing plugged up toilets.

She stopped by the Alamo for a photo op, too. I guess if you’re out sight-seeing and you live in Texas, visiting the Alamo is a given. Later, Gracie was seen window shopping near a popular bath soaps boutique. Suddenly, everyone forgot about the frantic rancher who’d lost his giraffe while they took selfies with the ten-foot escapee and posted the photos for clicks.

Her disappearance turned her into an instant celebrity. Everyone was on the lookout for the young lady who stood heads and tails above all other Texas wildlife. And yet no one convinced her to stand still long enough so the cowboy who misplaced her could send an Uber to pick her up and bring her home.

Once again, this is the failure of social media. There were plenty of photos of her going viral, and she was spotted multiple times on game cameras throughout the county, but by the time all these locations were searched, Gracie was always gone.

It seems to me that giraffes, with their relatively small brains when compared to the overall size of their bodies, are smarter than they look. Gracie stayed on the run for fourteen days, outsmarting every technology known to man, all while proving how indispensable she is. Apparently she singlehandedly put out two housefires, cleared one clogged drain, and washed off the stink with boutique soaps she purchased in downtown San Antonio. All while she never forgot the Alamo.

When she was finally found by the ranch manager as he flew overhead in a helicopter, she was ready to go home. She’d done the impossible. She’d scaled a rocky slab to escape the Texas compound, an athletic feat never before accomplished by a giraffe. She’d explored the wide-open country, posed for a few photos, and probably eaten an ice cream cone. Somewhere.

“She was out on a fling,” the sheriff reported. And while the state of Texas breathed a collective sigh of relief, I think a few million Facebookers are a little sad that Gracie’s adventure has ended.

The final photo of Gracie was an aerial shot taken from the helicopter when she was finally found, searching for her way home. Clearly, it shouldn't have taken half a month to locate the poor animal. She was standing right there in plain sight the whole time. 

See for yourself. 

Clear as day, right?

You could spot her anywhere.

I mean, come on. She looks exactly like the mug shot they posted of her inside the women's bathroom at Buc-ee's.

 

Oh.

Maybe that was the problem.